Top Ten Excuses for Not Posting to Blog

I realize that my July posts are lacking, so I took a few minutes this morning to try to figure out why. Here are the top ten reasons I have not posted much of late:

10. I have too much free time. How is this an excuse, you say? Well, I actually have time to read and pursue other interests at the moment, which apparently is confusing to my system and dulling my impulses to write.

9. I don't have to go to work. Again, this would seem like a reason I should blog more, not less, but sometimes writing happens in a little space in the back of my mind while the front of my mind is busy with other tasks. At work I can get the kernel of an idea percolating (or some other mixed metaphor) and by the time I am finally free in the evening I have the inspiration to draft it out.

8. My kid demands my attention. Okay, this is true all of the time, but this feels like an intense time in parent world -- the drawing to a close of preschool, the drama of five year-old friends, the excitement of reading and writing emerging, and the constant challenging of boundaries. I have had several parenting related posts brewing (tie this in to previous mixed metaphor) but things are changing so quickly I can't keep up.

7. I have taken on work outside of my job for some reason which I have forgotten. I can't remember why I thought I should try to generate some work outside of my work, but I have succeeded in doing so. Um, hooray? I have some work to do now?

6. My cat ate my blog post. No explanation required.

5. Speaking of eating, it's too hot to cook. Given that a big percentage of my posts are inspired by yummy meals, and of late I have been chopping veggies and eating dips and crackers for most meals, I am a little low on material. I posted about the veggie and dips meal already, and that was weak the first time around.

4. Speaking of hot, you can't really compute outdoors. Though I have tried, on occasion, with towels or other sunlight-blocking arrangements. Usually by the time I work out being able to see the screen I'm too hot to stay out anyway.

3. You also can't compute at the gym. Or the yoga studio. Okay, not to brag, but I've been a total fanatic about working out this summer. I was before, too, but having a couple of days a week to myself is allowing me to go over the top with going to classes, walking everywhere, and generally upping the ante on staying fit. Makes for lots of endorphins but no creative energy.

2. Netflix. This service is simply too good. I cannot avoid excellent viewing arriving in my mailbox or on demand on my computer screen.

1. High Standards. You may beg to differ, if you are a regular reader of this blog, but I do think better to post nothing than to post boring. So, given items 2 through 10, I would rather wait for inspiration, time, and quality than present a higher quantity of drivel. My drivel needs to be my best drivel.

Bear Grylls in Man Vs. Wild, Preschool Style

This morning as Adelaide was organizing her many stuffed animals for their day, she asked me if I would like to play"Bear Grylls" with her. I was curious as to what that meant to her and thinking it couldn't be a coincidence that the Man Vs. Wild host shares a name with this game.

I asked her where she heard about this, assuming she would tell me that one of her little gang of boys at school had introduced the game after being inspired by his Discovery Channel viewing. Maybe a Father-Son tradition? I have sat down to what I call "the man channel" on the occasional Friday night to enjoy the drama of close encounters with wildlife, crazy cliff-scaling and the eating of bizarre and disgusting items found in nature. It's very entertaining, if formulaic.

That being said, I began to try to picture this formula of death-defying survival superimposed on the preschool playground. It might go something like this:

Bear Grylls: Drops from helicopter at dangerously high or dangerously low altitude onto unforgiving terrain.

Preschoolers: Burst from french doors and dangerously high speeds onto unforgiving wood chips.
Bear Grylls: Immediately strip out of clothing or create clothing from some random found item in order to avoid punishing heat, cold or wetness.

Preschoolers: Immediately soil clothing via bodily fluids, mud hole, face paint or other fabric staining material on hand.

Bear Grylls: Use obscure scientific information or homemade device to determine best route to safety, despite said route's seeming impossibility to traverse.

Preschoolers: Find only area in tiny play yard which makes supervision difficult for teaching staff, in order to best proceed with "Bear Grylls" game.

Bear Grylls: Have close encounter with large mammal, reptile or other predator. Whisper about danger while approaching to increase drama.

Preschoolers: Have close encounter with other preschooler not involved in "Bear Grylls" game. Shout about said preschoolers disruption to game to increase likelyhood of adult attention.
Bear Grylls: Show great excitement at finding disgusting item such as tree bark, rotting carcass animal dung, or insect. Talk about said items nutritive properties. Proceed to eat said item with much facial grimacing and noisy crunching or splurting. Use colorful metaphor to describe intense degree of disgustingness of taste or texture.

Preschoolers: Show great excitement at finding remnant of snack item on clothing, hair, or woodchips. Proceed to place in pocket for eating in future, only to forget said item until parent discovers it melted onto clean clothing in dryer.

Bear Grylls: Perform death-defying climb, descent, or traverse in seemingly impossible manner.

Preschoolers: Perform death-defying climb, descent, or traverse in seemingly impossible manner.

Bear Grylls: Spend emotional night in makeshift shelter with very little sleep and at least one strange and threatening noise in distance.

Preschoolers: Spend exhausted time huddled under climber arguing about next steps and leadership in "Bear Grylls" game.

Bear Grylls: Rise in morning with fresh attitude. Find droplets of water on plant life, stone or underground, and refresh self with said water.

Preschoolers: Break at water cooler for quick drink and breather.
Bear Grylls: Proceed with lengthy hike, ascent or descent. Possible swim or underground cave scene. Finally, stumble upon sign of civilization such as road, fence, or vehicle with people.

Preschoolers: Continue with running, climbing, spinning, digging, and riding. Possible water play or sand volcano creation. Finally, see parent arrive for pick-up.

What I Didn't Know

Discovered on an Afternoon's Stroll on Capitol Hill (a Seattle Neighborhood):

• Rainbow Grocery is no more. Now it is a toy store, so you're stuck with the tiny organic section at QFC.
• Clear skies and bright sun do not always equal warmth. (How quickly one forgets ones roots).
• There are people who still smoke in Seattle. In fact, the sidewalks on Broadway are basically a giant ashtray, and 15th is not all that much better.
• You can no longer buy piroshky on Broadway, you have to go downtown.
• It is challenging, but possible, to enter a bakery and have only tea.
• It is very hard not to stare at a midget when they are walking nearby.
• The WaMu/Chase Bank on Broadway has a dumb sign, a security guard and friendly tellers.
  
• If you want something waxed, you'll need an appointment.

When Google Speaks

So, this wasn't an original idea, but I typed in the following 12 phrases and here are my google search results:

1. Christine needs to know where her inventory is at all times.

2. Christine looks like she could kick my ass.

3. Christine hates this new format.

4. Christine goes low carb for Health, Promptly Drops 6 Dress Sizes in A Month

5. Christine loves dorky Erik.

6. Christine eats her cake with chop stix [sic].

7. Christine has broken the curse of Seinfeld

8. Christine works as a dedicated twenty-something coach in Los Angelos

9. Christine lives in the "land of the pathetic."

10. Christine died in Vienna.

11. Christine will see you now.

12. Christine is Introduced to the Boy Police Say is Her Son at the Train Station.

Rules for Parents of Preschoolers

Rules for Parents of Preschoolers:

Help Me!

Don't help me! I can do it myself!

Tell me about that.

Don't tell me, I already know that.

I saw it first.

I go first.

Make me THIS to eat.

I don't want THIS to eat.

It's my turn.

Let me carry that.

Take this, I don't want to carry it.

It's still my turn.

Let me talk to you.

No, I don't want to talk to grandma on the phone.

I am always right.

It's my turn again.

I'm bored.

I'm NOT tired.

I'm hungry.

I'm hungry for cookies, not green beans.

I thought of that first.

Find me.

Don't find me!

Watch me.

Don't look at me!

No.

Off the List

New Year's Resolutions for which it is already too late:

1) Get enough rest by going to bed early.

2) Remain cheerful despite early wake-up time.

3) Repeat myself gently and without sarcasm when asked the same questions repeatedly by husband or child.

4) Assist child in successful clean-up of toys after activity has ended.

5) Remain focused on a single task to completion before attempting next task.

6) Put away laundry immediately rather than allowing it to sit in laundry basket.

7) Serve child meals which do not involve ketchup, delivery, or a freezer.

8) Post to blog every day.

9) Reduce overall "screen time."

10) Make lists of positive self-talk rather than failures.

sNOw Day

School Superintendent's Checklist for School Closure due to Inclement Weather

Schools Shall be Closed in the Event of the Following:

* Snow accumulation of 1 - 2 inches, visible on bumper of Superintendent's SUV parked in driveway.

Exception: School shall not be closed if lots of parents have called and complained last year about too many school closures. Must keep parent satisfaction numbers high enough to have levy passed.

* Ice on front steps of Superintendent's home, noted when Superintendent checks for the newspaper at 4:00 a.m., only to be disappointed that it has not yet been delivered.

Exception: In the event that the paper is early, Superintendent shall declare schools open and on time, as sufficient reading time is available.

* Road conditions too dangerous for school busses, including black ice, fallen trees, and unplowed snow.

Exception: In the event of a birthday among administrative offices staff, school will have a 1.5 hour late start to allow for pick-up of the Costco cake and on-time party.

* Weather Forecast includes the possibility of snow. Or sun. Or anything sort of unusual or interesting.

Exception: Superintendent doesn't feel like getting up at 4:00 to start calling people about closing school. She can just call in sick later.

* Other districts are closing.

Exception: Superintendent laid out her "I am a rebel" pantsuit the night before, and doesn't feel like picking out a different outfit.