Bear Grylls in Man Vs. Wild, Preschool Style

This morning as Adelaide was organizing her many stuffed animals for their day, she asked me if I would like to play"Bear Grylls" with her. I was curious as to what that meant to her and thinking it couldn't be a coincidence that the Man Vs. Wild host shares a name with this game.

I asked her where she heard about this, assuming she would tell me that one of her little gang of boys at school had introduced the game after being inspired by his Discovery Channel viewing. Maybe a Father-Son tradition? I have sat down to what I call "the man channel" on the occasional Friday night to enjoy the drama of close encounters with wildlife, crazy cliff-scaling and the eating of bizarre and disgusting items found in nature. It's very entertaining, if formulaic.

That being said, I began to try to picture this formula of death-defying survival superimposed on the preschool playground. It might go something like this:

Bear Grylls: Drops from helicopter at dangerously high or dangerously low altitude onto unforgiving terrain.

Preschoolers: Burst from french doors and dangerously high speeds onto unforgiving wood chips.
Bear Grylls: Immediately strip out of clothing or create clothing from some random found item in order to avoid punishing heat, cold or wetness.

Preschoolers: Immediately soil clothing via bodily fluids, mud hole, face paint or other fabric staining material on hand.

Bear Grylls: Use obscure scientific information or homemade device to determine best route to safety, despite said route's seeming impossibility to traverse.

Preschoolers: Find only area in tiny play yard which makes supervision difficult for teaching staff, in order to best proceed with "Bear Grylls" game.

Bear Grylls: Have close encounter with large mammal, reptile or other predator. Whisper about danger while approaching to increase drama.

Preschoolers: Have close encounter with other preschooler not involved in "Bear Grylls" game. Shout about said preschoolers disruption to game to increase likelyhood of adult attention.
Bear Grylls: Show great excitement at finding disgusting item such as tree bark, rotting carcass animal dung, or insect. Talk about said items nutritive properties. Proceed to eat said item with much facial grimacing and noisy crunching or splurting. Use colorful metaphor to describe intense degree of disgustingness of taste or texture.

Preschoolers: Show great excitement at finding remnant of snack item on clothing, hair, or woodchips. Proceed to place in pocket for eating in future, only to forget said item until parent discovers it melted onto clean clothing in dryer.

Bear Grylls: Perform death-defying climb, descent, or traverse in seemingly impossible manner.

Preschoolers: Perform death-defying climb, descent, or traverse in seemingly impossible manner.

Bear Grylls: Spend emotional night in makeshift shelter with very little sleep and at least one strange and threatening noise in distance.

Preschoolers: Spend exhausted time huddled under climber arguing about next steps and leadership in "Bear Grylls" game.

Bear Grylls: Rise in morning with fresh attitude. Find droplets of water on plant life, stone or underground, and refresh self with said water.

Preschoolers: Break at water cooler for quick drink and breather.
Bear Grylls: Proceed with lengthy hike, ascent or descent. Possible swim or underground cave scene. Finally, stumble upon sign of civilization such as road, fence, or vehicle with people.

Preschoolers: Continue with running, climbing, spinning, digging, and riding. Possible water play or sand volcano creation. Finally, see parent arrive for pick-up.