Rules for Attending the State Fair

Rule #1. Stick your head in every sign with a head-sized hole. Insist on being documented with a photograph.






















Rule #2. Ogle the baby animals.
Risk loss of fingers to touch cute bunnies.
Contemplate, but resist urge to take home cute baby bunnies.












Rule #3. Only consume items with
a 30% butter content or greater,
or which have been deep-fried.
Or both.






Rule #4. Experience farm animals on a new scale. As in, these are big!




Rule #5. Learn about where something comes from. See the transformation of animal into product (don't worry, you won't see it become meat.
They don't let you see that, 'cause you might change your mind about things.).

















Rule #6. Pay 5 dollars for 3 tries at a toy worth 2 cents. Lose.
Pay 10 dollars for 7 tries at a toy worth 2 dollars. Lose.
Pay 3 dollars to compete against others whacking at pop-up plastic moles to win a prize worth 1 dollar. Lose to smug man who has no children but apparently collects tacky fairground prizes for his swingin' bachelor pad.
Give your child 5 dollars for unlimited tries at a prize you would pay 5 dollars not to have to bring home. After 22 short tries, win!

Rule #7. Have a meaningful conversation on the way home to convey your love and appreciation for your family with whom you experienced these delights. See example, below:

A: When I am a grown-up, what will I do with my snuggly toys?

Me: Well, you might give them to your children.

A: No, I want to keep them for me. I don't want to share them.

Me: They are yours, honey. You can choose what you do with them.

A: I choose to keep them until I die. Then I will give them to someone.

Me: Mm.

A: Mom, who is going to die first, you or me?

Me: Well, it probably will be me, because I am a lot older than you. But neither of us is going to die for a long time. You will probably be a grandma and I will be a great-grandma before I die. In a long, long time from now.

A: Mom, I want to live in our house when I'm a grown-up.

Me: That would be nice. Do you want me to live with you, or do you want to live there by yourself?

A: I want you to live there with me. But I am still going to marry.

Me: So I would live there with you and your husband?

A: Yeah. Will you always live with me?

Me: I will live with you as long as you want me to.

A: I want you to live with me forever.

Me, in my head: I want to remember that you said that to me forever.